Birthday Parties. UGH.

My parents were the best at throwing birthday parties. I always had games to play and awesome food to eat. Girls I grew up with still remember playing “Kick the Can” at night and “the marble game” at my parties. Each party was unique and memorable. Of course, I wanted nothing less for my own children.

What I never realized, what most kids never realize, is the amount of work parents put in to a kid’s birthday party. It wasn’t until I threw Talan his first non-family party that it dawned on me how much work they are and how bad they suck for adults.

Last year Talan turned 6 and was in Kindergarten. Seeing as how he had only been in school for a few weeks when his birthday arrive (October 16), we decided the best course of action was to invite all the boys in his class. This way, no one felt left out and Talan was saved the trouble of actually having to remember everyone’s names that he wanted to invite. None of this caused problems, in fact none of the actual planning of the party was a headache. We planned on ordering pizza for lunch, serving Gatorade and having cupcakes for dessert. We bought Talan a piñata and filled it with the usual goods. Simple, right? You would think so…

First off, why is it so difficult to RSVP to a children’s party? I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised given the amount of people who didn’t RSVP to my wedding but still, it’s common courtesy. I failed to RSVP to a birthday party Talan was invited to…only because I found the invitation hidden in his backpack one month after the actual party. I did make a point of apologizing to the parents, however, and explaining why there was never a response. Out of the dozen or so kids invited to Talan’s party, only five RSVP’d and they were the five that were coming. Even those five didn’t RSVP by the requested date but rather kept me guessing until the last moment. On the actual invitation I had not only included my cell phone number but my email, giving the parents an out to just text or email me to avoid human interaction. I thought I had made it easy but apparently not easy enough.

The party itself went off okay. No one fought with anyone; no one spilled anything that left a permanent stain; no one cried or got hurt. Overall, a success. Thankfully, most of the kids simply played downstairs, tearing apart our toy room and leaving messes everywhere. I was okay with this, they kept themselves entertained and didn’t break anything. I think the stress of trying to keep everyone happy and entertain, as well as safe, was what really got to me. I wanted to ensure that Talan had a good time but also that the other boys had a fun time as well. I also had to referee the toy sharing and had to make sure they were supervised in order to prevent any fights or tears. By the time the last kid left (an hour after the invite said the party would end), I was exhausted but my child was happy. Like I said, an overall success.

Apparently, when I went to plan Talan’s seventh party, I completely forgot about the stress of the whole thing because this year I not only let him invite every boy in his class but three additional friends for football. If everyone comes that will be a total of SEVENTEEN 7-8 year old boys. No one will this one go well. Today was the deadline for RSVP’ing yet I have only heard from four parents. I’m not sure if I should be planning food and drinks enough for 5 kids or 15. Again, I do not understand why it is so hard to let someone know your plans. *insert frustrated grunt here* Also, this year we are having the party at my in-laws, a problematic situation I failed to see coming. My mother-in-law graciously offered to host the party so we could have a bouncy house (something I thought we’d get for free from a friend of a friend but ended up costing us money) but now it’s become a stressful situation---she wants to know all the details when I haven’t figured out all the details and wants to help more than I am willing to let her. Just stressful. I had planned on ordering cupcakes but in order to save money, I am now making them. They are just from a box but it’s still something extra I hadn’t planned on. The party’s theme is Star Wars so I stupidly told Talan I would make light sabers out of pool noodles (an idea I saw on Pinterest). I’m six days out from the party and haven’t started yet as the whole craft seems too daunting.

The cost of the party, the stress of planning along with the stress of the unknown guest list…it’s all too much. Hopefully the actual party will go off without a hitch. Just someone remind me next year how awful this is so we can just take Talan and ONE friend to a movie and Chuck E. Cheese. That sounds much better.   

#standagainstbullying

From fifth grade until I graduate high school, I dealt with bullies. I had peers tease me because of my weight, because of my chest (I developed early), because of things I did or said. It was devastating. I used to think I deserved it, that I acted like a weirdo or said/did crazy things that deserved taunting. Now that I am thirty, I realize that no matter what I did or how I acted, I didn’t deserve that treatment. No one deserves that treatment.

Last year was Talan’s first year of school. Within the first two months of school, he encountered his first bully. He was walking home from school when two kids, brothers, chased after him and beat him up, repeatedly punching him in the stomach. Luckily, our neighbor kid (a freshmen in high school), broke it up. He also followed the boys home and told their father what they had done. When Talan came home, in tears, I immediately emailed his teacher (one of the kids was in his class) as well as the principal. The kids were “talked to” and we didn’t have any more problems that year.

Yesterday, Talan came home upset because of the same kids had said three “naughty” words to him. Thankfully this time there was no punching involved but that does not make it any better.

My son is six. SIX. I always had a fear that he would encounter bullies but that fear was reserved for junior high when puberty makes everyone crazy and mean. I also had a bigger fear of bullying for my daughter, knowing firsthand how awful girls can be at any age. I was not prepared to deal with bullies in Kindergarten and first grade. I did not know kids knew how to be young before they even knew how to read.

I truly believe that kids, humans, are not born with the capacity to hate or to hurt others. I think all children are born innocent and loving. If you hold a baby, you will see someone who is trusting and happy. Even toddlers do not possess the ability to be mean on purpose…at least not on their own. Biting, pinching, kicking, these are all learned behaviors. For those boys to be mean to my son, they had to have learned that behavior. I’m not accusing their parents of punching them as it is more likely that it was behavior learned from a television show or a movie. The naughty words? Those probably came from the same source…or a parent.

As a parent, my heart broke for my son. I could not believe anyone could be cruel to my sweet innocent boy. My first reaction was to go hunt those boys down, yell at them, threaten them, basically I wanted to make them feel as bad as Talan felt. Even yesterday, in the heat of the moment, I still wanted to go and give them my own version of a “talking to”. Thankfully, I did not react in the moment and was more concerned with Talan’s feelings.

As a parent, my heart broke for my son’s bullies. After working with children who were diagnosed with Emotional Behavior Disorders, I know that so many negative behaviors are learned. I learned that usually the kids who act the worst, are the ones treated the worst, and the ones who need love the most. Does it excuse their behavior? Of course not but it makes it easier to understand. I can understand why a child would lash out at mine---they do not know how to handle their emotions and they are simply doing what they have seen done. Additionally, they clearly do not have a role model in their lives to teach them right from wrong.

It’s hard to explain to a six year old why people are mean. It’s hard to make him understand that not everyone is nice, sadly. And it’s hard to tell him to ignore naughty words or to just report bad behavior. In his world, everyone should be friends with everyone. Unfortunately, the world does not work that way and it shatters my soul every time I have to explain to him that not everyone is nice and that some people are filled with anger (we use Anger from Pixar’s Inside Out as an example) and have no room for joy or love.

Sadly, I am positive this will not be the last time Talan deals with bullies. I also know that my daughter and my unborn daughter will likely deal with them at some point in their lives as well. The most I can do is be there for them, wipe their tears and bandage their knees. The best I can do is make sure they are never the bully. My children can be gay, trans, republican, democrat, atheist, hell even Chicago Bear fans, but the minute they are mean to others we will have a problem.

I am ordering a shirt through a wonderful website called Wire and Honey for Talan to proudly wear (and when he’s done it will be passed on to his sisters. *I am in no way being sponsored for this promotion from Wire and Honey. They have no fore knowledge of this blog post.* Wire and Honey has a line of kids’ clothes called #kidsforchange. Talan will be sporting their shirt “Stand Against Bullying” as soon as it arrives. I can make sure my child is not a bully and that he stands up for others. And hopefully, he can be a role model for others who do not have one.

(Find Wire and Honey products here: http://www.wireandhoney.com)