Pretty In Pink

The other day while driving, my 2 (twelve days from being 3) year old asked me, “Mommy, am I pretty?” And in that moment, my heart dropped.

My toddler, my TODDLER, asked me if she was pretty. (My son, who is 7, has never asked me if he’s pretty or cute or handsome. The closest he’s come is asking if he got all the peanut butter off his face.) After assuring her that she is always beautiful then quickly changing the subject, I was assaulted by my own questions: Why was she asking this? How could I stop it? Does she really know what she is asking and does she really care about the answer? How much does she understand about physical appearances? How concerned is she about her own appearance? I needed answers. And fast.

The first question-why was she asking that question-was the easiest to answer. She was asking because certain people, mainly one relative, are constantly telling her how pretty she is. There is nothing wrong with telling someone they are pretty but when it is the only thing that person is telling her, there is a problem. This same relative is telling her that if she curls her hair she will be pretty or paints her nails she will be pretty or wears a dress she will be pretty. It is a constant reinforcement that Lucy needs to be pretty or must find a way to make herself pretty. An example would be “We will curl your hair and then you will be real pretty.” And her outfit compliments are always the same “Oh don’t you look like such a pretty little girl?” I am not exaggerating when I say it is a constant concept this relative is, basically, drilling into my daughter’s head. And now I am seeing the consequences of that.

So how can I stop it? Do I tell my relative to cease calling my daughter pretty? Or do I ignore that relative and focus on what I can control, such as educating my daughter and nurturing her in a different way? The first thing I believe I will do is stop taking her with to my hair appointments or let her watch me get ready. At the hair salon she is surrounded by the industry that thrives on physical appearance and materialism. At an age where she is a sponge to those around her, at the salon Lucy is hearing “how can we make you look better/younger/sexier” and is sublimely being told that what she is born with isn’t good enough. The same could be said for her watching me get ready. I have no logical response when she asks me why I put on eye liner. The one time I told her “because that’s what society dictates I do” didn’t go over well. Eventually I will be the one to teach her how to subtly apply make-up and how to do her hair, but when she’s at an older age when she can comprehend more.

Looking back on my daughter’s question, I truly believe she does not understand what pretty is or care about being pretty, at least not in the materialistic sense. She knows people call her pretty but people also call her a goofball or silly. She does not care about being pretty, what she cares about is making people happy or smiling, like most toddlers she wants a positive response. She cares about being pretty because she wants the positive reinforcement from above said relative. And that worries me. I don’t want her to feel as if she’s pleasing someone by being pretty. I also don’t want her to try to be pretty. I want her to be…well…her. I want her to wear whatever makes her happy (as long as it’s weather appropriate). I want her to curl her hair because she likes the way the ringlets bounce. I want her to do what makes her happy not her relative. Maybe that’s asking too much of a toddler but I feel if I don’t lay the groundwork for it now, it will only become more difficult or a full problem when she’s older.

I’m also hopeful that she doesn’t care about her physical appearance. This conclusion is backed by the fact that she wears her pants backwards, isn’t bothered by food in her hair and will wear the same shirt every day no matter how it smells or the stains that are on it.

The problem, of course, will be dealing outside people or even relatives. How can I explain to them that they are enabling society’s negative self-images? Can I simply say: I do not mind you telling my daughter that she is pretty but I do mind when that’s all you say to her. Instead of saying her dress is pretty how about it is fancy? Or sparkly? Instead of telling her she’s pretty tell her she’s funny or adventurous or silly.

Society and media is going to do everything to convince my daughter that she needs the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect everything. I will be doing everything to convince her that she is enough, that being beautiful inside is more important than being beautiful outside. I will do everything to show her how immaterial materialism is. I know I’m going to have to fight it on big level, I don’t want to have to fight it on the intimate level of relatives.

I will do my best to show my daughter that asking “Am I pretty” is the wrong question and instead she should be asking “Am I good person”. I was prepared for that. I just didn’t think I would have to be prepared by the time she turned 3.