Why I Hate My Body

Every day there is an article somewhere criticizing some woman's body. And every day there is an article somewhere written by a celebrity defending her body and/or her post-partum body. Here's my take, I hate my body and without realizing it, my body image issues affect my children more than they affect me. Why? I'm so glad you asked...

I have had body issues since fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE, that puts me at nine years old. A nine year old (in 1994) should only be concerned with Lisa Frank merchandise and four square rules. She should NOT be concerned with her body. I thought I was fat (I was chubby but not obese). Kids are cruel, at all ages sadly. I remember being in fifth or sixth grade and a boy asking if the reason I wore jeans with an elastic waistband was so that they would still fit me after lunch. My brother was extremely skinny which didn't help matters because he, too, mocked me frequently. I don't blame him, he was my older brother and would have found some reason to mock me. At least he teased me for something I could control...teasing me about the size of my nose or personality would have been awful.

Obviously it didn't get better from there. Middle school saw me becoming bulimic and anorexic. I didn't care what it was doing to my teeth or how it would effect my body long term (yes I was knowledgeable), all I cared about was being thin.This problem went with me to high school and, of course, college. I gained the Freshman Fifteen, basically through a diet of beer and cereal, and really hated how I looked. I was no longer a nice size 8 but a size 12 and couldn't handle looking myself in the mirror.

The thing with my eating disorder was that it was strictly about eating. I wanted to be skinny but didn't want to work out. I hate working out. HATE IT. I watch people run and lift and think there must be something clinically wrong with them. How can a person enjoy running until they can't breathe? It baffled me then and it baffles me today. The only kind of exercise I have ever enjoyed is dance. I love to dance, like ballet and jazz. I also love to swim. Swimming I get because it's not hard on the body and for some reason, it never seems like exercise. Either way, if I'm ever chased by a bear, I will probably end up dying after running for five minutes.

So I ate unhealthy. When I was in rehab, I was a size 5/6 and eating less than 500 calories per day. That's per day. People have eaten entire meals worth more than 500 calories. My diet was 20 almonds and three pieces of cherry licorice. Clearly, I was not healthy. BUT I was skinny and that's all that mattered.

As I grew up with my disorder, I obviously never saw anything wrong with it. It's my body and I could do with it what I wanted. Now that I'm a mom, things have changed. Suddenly, my body issues aren't just MINE, they are my kids' as well. Every time I look in a mirror and make a disgusted face, my kids see that. When I turn sideways and try to suck in my gut, my kids see that. When I eat unhealthy, my kids see that. And what happens when kids see you doing something? They imitate you, good or bad, they don't care because they just want to be like you.

As a parent, you are never alone in anything. There is always someone watching you, learning from you. Kids truly learn from what you do, not what you say. No matter how often I tell my kids to love themselves, love their bodies, eat healthy and exercise, it won't mean a thing if I don't live what I preach.

My kids are the best thing that every happened to me for a variety of reasons. One of those reasons is their ability to show me how I truly am. Every time Lucy imitates me, I see myself through her eyes. I do not want my daughter or son to grow up with body issues and the main step I can take to prevent them from low self esteem is to have high self esteem for me. By loving myself, by accepting myself, I can show them how to love and accept themselves.

There are many things I still want to teach my kids. One thing, one priority is to teach them to love themselves, that they are wonderful just the way they are. I also want them to be healthy (doesn't every parent?). In order for them to be healthy, I need them to eat right and exercise. While my kids are picky eaters, my son more than my daughter, they still manage to eat healthy. They eat healthy because now I eat healthy. They exercise daily (mainly they do cardio as they run away from me when I'm telling them to brush their teeth and get dressed) and they see me exercise (not daily, I haven't changed that much and when I do exercise I sure as hell am not running). The best thing I can do to ensure my kids are healthy is to keep myself healthy. And now I'm doing that. But never by running. Ugh.